Episode 16: The Solo Retreat: Alone With Your Thoughts
In this episode of Midlife Circus, Brent and Rob explore solo retreats and the value of intentionally stepping away from the noise of midlife. They share personal stories—from quick outdoor resets to multi-day retreats—and reflect on how creating space can unlock clarity, creativity, and perspective. The conversation also touches on the discomfort that can surface when distractions fade, and why learning to sit with it often leads to growth and calm. If midlife feels full or overwhelming, this episode offers a simple reminder: sometimes clarity comes from stepping back.
Links, resources, books mentioned:
Topics we are covering in this episode:
Solo retreats create space for thoughts and insights to surface without distraction.
Stepping away from constant midlife chaos often brings clarity before answers.
Reset time works best when it’s not focused on problem-solving or productivity.
Simplicity matters—adding too many logistics can reduce the benefits early on.
Quiet space can feel uncomfortable at first, especially when inner dialogue shows up.
Learning to sit with that discomfort is part of the growth.
The urge to document or explain the experience can pull attention away from being present.
With practice, solo time becomes easier and more rewarding.
Solo retreats are not selfish—they often lead to showing up better for others.
Intentional space helps reconnect with perspective, creativity, and calm.
Transcript:
Transcript Disclaimer - May contain the occasional confusing, inaccurate, or unintentionally funny transcription moment. It’s all part of the show.
Lena: Midlife is often filled with chaos and constant noise. What happens when you step away from it? On today's episode of Midlife Circus, Brent and Rob explore solo retreats from ten minute resets to longer stretches of intentional space. They talk about the clarity and creativity that can emerge and the discomfort that sometimes shows up first. Because stepping away from the noise isn't always easy, but it can lead to a deeper sense of calm and perspective.
Before we begin, remember to follow Midlife Circus on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen, and join us in the Midlife Circus community on Substack. Let's dive into the solo retreat, alone with your thoughts.
Brent: Rob, when was the last time you were truly by yourself in the outdoors, not scrolling, not listening to anything like music or a podcast, not multitasking, and what did it feel like?
Rob: Does my dog count? If I have my dog with me, is that still being alone?
Brent: I'll give you the hall pass on that. Yes. You can have your dog. So
Rob: yesterday, and in fact, I sent you a picture of this. Yesterday morning, bright and early, I was out on a trail run slash hike in a location near our near our house. Little bit cold. It was, six degrees when I started this hike, and my dog's, breath was freezing onto his facial fur, which was kind of fun to see. Didn't have any music.
I did have my phone with me. Didn't have it on. Wasn't listening to a podcast. Wasn't listening to music, and it was just great being outside. It was so nice.
Like, it was a little chilly. Did I did get a little cold by the end of it, but I liked the start feeling that, like, abrupt crisp air on my face and cheeks and nose. And every time I inhaled through my nose, my nostrils feel like they were freezing. It was really just a fun experience outside.
Brent: When you're out in the cold like that, do you experience that crispness? Do you find that there's like that clarity that comes with it? Do you feel that?
Rob: I do. Yeah. So a lot of people would probably think six degrees. That's crazy. And it got up to like 12 by the time I got done with the hike.
And I have all the right gear, so I have everything I would need. But that the crispness, it did provide some clarity. And one of the things that end up happening on this on this hike, there's an episode that we are in talks about right now. We're trying to develop, and I've been struggling with the development of the concept for a couple weeks. And I had an epiphany during this hike.
And I think it was just the Christmas of the year being out on a trail by myself with my dog that it gave me a little bit of clarity. It gave me some breathing space to actually come up with some concepts around this episode that we've been brainstorming and ended up starting to take a bunch of voice memos on my phone. So, yes, I did have my phone out, but it was more to capture my thoughts versus stewing on them. So I could capture it and move on. Capture a thought and move on.
And I have, I think, developed the episode for our future recording that I'm really excited to share with you here in the next week.
Brent: What I like about what you're describing is you went into the kind of solo retreat as we're going to call it, just for how long were you out there for?
Rob: A little over an hour, slightly over an hour.
Brent: So you're out for about an hour and you went into it and you just created some space to think about something. And you and I are going to talk a bit about solo retreats and the benefits you get from when you go in the outdoors, as an example, you have a finite period of time. So in this case, you have about an hour, maybe an hour and twenty minutes. And you went in with just an idea, but you eliminated all the distractions around you outside of having your dog, but your dog's pretty chill. So I've been around your dog quite a bit and your dog makes life pretty easy, just does his own thing.
But you created space to navigate that idea. And what we're going to talk about today is the concept of solo retreats. And we'll talk from a really small scale to a larger scale. And what are the benefits from it? What could people get from that?
And that's something that I know you and I have been doing for a handful of years and we do them small and we do them big. And I want to talk first about why we do them and then what do we get out of them? And then we'll give you a few examples of some of our successes in doing solo retreats and some of our lessons learned because they're not all as planned in some instances. When you go out into the outdoors, why do you feel different when you're by yourself versus when you're with your spouse, you're with other people, you're in a crowded space? Like, why do you feel different when it's just you?
Rob: I definitely do things with my spouse on a on a regular basis, which is fun. But the emptiness that exists when I'm outside in nature, and I think there's a component of this of being in nature, not initially just walking around a city street. You can get it on a city street as well, but being out in nature by yourself where you don't have any no plans, no conversations. Things can just come to you that are important, and they're important at the time, and it's part of your subconscious. I think it's part of my subconscious that comes to the table that that actually says, hey.
This is a topic for you to think about. Here's something for you to ponder. Here's an idea that I had. And I have gotten better at, as I shared earlier, taking my phone with me to capture some of these things, because it's been a surprise as to where I get information, but most of I'll put it on airplane mode so I don't get disrupted because I have been out there where I get a text and I go pull it out and I reply to something and respond to something, and it takes my mental state in a whole new direction. But being out solo rather than being with my spouse, rather than being out with friends, it creates us a different environment.
And we've talked previously about openness and being open to ideas and open with our own thoughts and stories that we're telling ourselves. It creates a space for all those things to bubble up, both good and bad. And I look forward to having those moments and having those epiphanies when I'm outside. Where have you gotten your biggest epiphanies as you've been outside? I'm I have a I've ventured a bet I know in our geography where they've come to you, but I'm guessing there was a type of a scenario you were in where some of these epiphanies came to you.
Brent: For me, there's a couple different scenarios that I take advantage of. Sometimes I go into the outdoors with very little I'm not trying to solve anything. I'm just trying to reset, refresh, and I just go. And that is a really rewarding feeling. There's trails near my house that I just go on and I can do it for twenty minutes, sometimes thirty minutes.
And it's just a reset. A lot of times I can do that and it's just, I don't have anything I'm trying to solve. I'm just trying to take a break from the chaos. Okay. And just all the all the inputs.
I call it inputs. So an input in this example would be all the things that we're trying to accomplish in our professional lives, all the relationships that we're navigating in our personal lives, all of the things that we want to do that day or things we want to do that week or the upcoming trip or whatever it is, those are a lot of inputs that you can navigate when you've got a device in your hand, when you're around people and so forth. Sometimes I just need to take a break from all of those things coming at me at the same time. And that is a simple way for me to breathe. And for me, it's outdoors.
I mean, know I could sit there and meditation sometimes helps me to just quiet everything down. And that might be ten minutes and that's great. But I get typically more out of just spending a few minutes outside and just going for a simple walk with or without my dogs. I mean, sometimes the dogs, they introduce their own level of chaos. So sometimes without them, it's like, this is pretty cool.
But I usually like to go with them because it's I love their curiosity and where they're trying to take me and I'm trying to take them. And so I enjoy that, but it's typically per your question, it's a trail. It's something to do with hiking, walking, running. I don't want to always multitask, meaning I'm going to go seek this solo time by running and trying to solve this and doing all these things at the same time. Sometimes it's literally just sitting outside without any disturbances.
It's trying to create silence so that my thoughts can take a break.
Rob: When you do that, Brent, do you have major epiphanies that happened during that period of time? Because I know I do. But or do you just get the mental refresh and the reset of creating that that, quietness in your mind. So I get kind of the monkey mind at times, and I go both directions where I don't typically go out with a preconceived plan on what I'm trying to accomplish during a run. It just kind of comes to me, and then I spiral during that.
My monkey mind gets going. You're referencing something slightly different where you go out and you get some peace, you said kind of like a meditation. How do you avoid going down that spiral while you're out there to give yourself that mental reset?
Brent: I think there's an intention that I can set going into it. Most often for me, the intention is I'm just going to go quiet and I'm not going to try to solve anything. Same thing when I go out and say outdoors, I try not to allow myself to get into problem solving mode. If I'm trying to reset. I really approach it two ways, Rob.
One is when I'm solo, a lot of the simple things that I do, I call it the ten minute rule and it's just a ramp up. And it's simply a way to start practicing solo time where I'm going to go spend ten minutes and I'm not going to try to solve anything. I'm just going to be present with whatever is in front of me. Let me give you a really simple example. Go on a ten minute walk.
So it would be an out and back, five minutes down, five minutes back. And what I try to do is just focus on the surroundings. Look at that tree. Look at that car driving by, look at the bird flying in the air, whatever it might be. I try not to focus on anything happening in my life.
Meaning I need to solve this, like how you're describing you, you were able to navigate one of our upcoming episodes. I try not to do that in some of my reset activities because my intention there is just to take a break from that too. So it's just purely being present with my surroundings. That is something that I try to practice on a regular basis. And I feel really good when I do that because I find that I just calm everything down.
I'm breathing much calmer. I'm much more observant. And I like that feeling. I don't try to do that for hours in end. I'm just talking like ten odd minutes.
It's just a healthy reset for me.
Rob: Well, the things you just shared that I think are really important, and I'm wondering if there's a difference in your experience. One of them included movement, one didn't. And so both are outside, which I think are key to this whole experience, right, no matter what the temperature is because you get the sights, the smells, the sounds. Right? All of those things that you get, from a senses standpoint that help you.
But you also mentioned sometimes it's on a walk and sometimes it's just sitting or standing still. I do know there's a benefit in movement and blood circulation and keeping your mind going. Do you notice a difference between when you're moving and having trying to have that ten minutes of intentional just reset time or when you're sitting still or do you have pretty much the same experience in both?
Brent: I would say I typically move more and I enjoy that more. Where I would find a spot to sit is usually on a hike, on a walk. If there's a cool vista that I just want to take in, I do that because then I'm able to not think about the walking practice. I'm just thinking about what am I observing? What sounds am I hearing?
I think it's important also for us to share like, why are we talking about this? You know, from a midlife circus perspective. I find in midlife, one of the challenges that I personally face is there's just a lot of moving parts. As an example is kids, one in college, one in a senior in high school. So there's the logistical parts.
It's where are they emotionally, what's happening with their friendship group and what's going on with their school, when are they coming home next? Whatever it might be, they're in a stage of life where it's less routine. It's a little bit more ad hoc. So routine when they were younger was school, sports, weekends, everything was much more of a schedule. Now it's much more variable.
So it takes a little bit more time to think about. And then when I also think in midlife as career transitions, as an example for me, I went through a transition a few years ago, it's pretty heady stuff. And then navigating, you know, my own health as an example, some of the things that we deal as we get to our age, if there's certain things that we're dealing with our health, I mean, I'm healthy right now, so I'm not trying to send a signal, but I'm always trying to improve my health. So it's just all this stuff that I want to do. And then navigating friends and what's going on with your friends and then what's going on with your extended families.
To me, midlife brings in a lot and that's why we call it the circus. What we're trying to do with this episode is to say, are there ways that you can pause to breathe a little bit? I think it's important for us to around this conversation of why are we having it.
Rob: And beyond the chaos, we talked about this, I think a few episodes ago around habits is there's also an openness that gets created too, and you're going to fill that openness with stuff. As we started thinking about this episode, it's being purposeful, as Brent talked about going outside looking for that reset, being purposeful about finding the openness to let yourself just sit with your own thoughts. There is chaos around us. There was chaos around us twenty years ago. It's just different types of chaos that's happening.
In midlife, there's an openness that also starts to develop too that if you're not careful, you're going to fill it with maybe not the best activities, not the best thought, not the best conversations, and not the best version of yourself.
Brent: That's a great way to put it. I want to expand a little bit what I was talking about earlier is part of what I do in a solo retreat, and let's take it a little bit longer. I've talked about doing ten minutes, but one thing that you brought up and how we opened our conversation today is going on like a longer run. What I've learned, and this has been a part of my DNA for years is longer runs create a lot of clarity for me or longer time outside. And I was always comfortable with that, but now I have different levels of intention where I may go into something to say, yeah, like you said, I want to think about this.
I want to think about this relationship I have right now with a friend that maybe it's not going as planned. I would just want to think about it. I'm going to go out for an hour and I'm just going to kind of think about what's happening in this relationship. Is it something that I want to continue? Is it something that I want to step back and try to evaluate and say, do I need to look at it from a different angle?
Has that relationship now evolved? It's like that deal friends, real friends episode that we had. One of my big challenges was navigating all the deal friends, all the work friends and how they essentially disappeared. And I find that what I got from that was just a lot of clarity. So that is something that I've been building up to of being able to go into a solo retreat that might be now a couple of hours to say, I want to think about this and see where it goes.
I've just given an example where maybe I'm navigating a challenging situation. More often than not for me, it's an opportunistic conversation with myself. What do I want to do? What do I want to explore? I I try to look forward versus going to the past in in some of my solo time because you can't adjust the past.
You can, you know, put a little bit out there in the future and navigate the future a little bit more clearly from my experience.
Rob: It's funny. We touched we started talking about, you know, the ten minute rule, just getting outside and enjoying nature for ten minutes. You then went on to talk about a couple hours and the experience that you had out there much like you. A couple hours in, I start thinking differently. I start feeling different.
I don't know if it's a blood flow thing, a chemical thing in my mind. That's usually where I start getting really excited about what's happening inside my mind around what opportunities are in front of us. It's definitely very much opportunistic for me. If you go back
Brent: in time, Rob, have you always been comfortable doing things by yourself? So let me give a simple example. Used to travel a lot with work. Were you the type of person that was comfortable going out to a restaurant by yourself?
Rob: Yes. In fact, I looked forward to it. To just go sit at a restaurant by myself and eat and enjoy a meal watching SportsCenter on the TV. So it wasn't empty space, but SportsCenter or news was up on the TV with sound off, and I just sat and ate by myself and absolutely enjoyed it. I know that's not the case for you, though.
Brent: Not at all. We're so opposite. So I spent a large portion of my career traveling every single week like you. And I probably had dinner by myself in a restaurant less than a dozen times over many, many, many years. It's one of the most uncomfortable things for me to do is to sit in a restaurant by myself.
And I would try it every once in a while, probably once a year and just be like, okay, I'm going to try it. Let's see what this is all about. And I'd be so uncomfortable. I'd be fidgeting with my phone. I'd be looking around.
I'd try to eat really fast. It was just not an enjoyable experience. So I would do takeout. I would do room service. I do something that I would just be in my quiet space.
For me, most of my travel for years was related to being a management consultant. So during the day, I'd always be on. I'd have to be super extroverted. Naturally, I'm introverted. So a lot of it was the wind down in a quiet space in my room of just nothing.
So doing solo retreats for me was something that I had to build up to because I've often found that doing things by myself was really uncomfortable for me. I've always been good about the running thing and the activities like that's by myself. I don't mind that. I enjoy that, but actually certain things just make me cringe. It's really hard.
So I've had to build up to this, Rob. Like, this isn't something that I just naturally came into and getting the benefits of solo.
Rob: Don't get me wrong that those dinners or those work trips where I got to spend time by myself, it was an avoidance technique because you were just talking about it, Brent. I had my phone out, so I was scrolling through my phone. I was looking stuff up online. There was something on the TV. There was distraction around, and it was because I wasn't comfortable with the conversations going on in my head, I forced distraction to have around me.
I forced myself. I didn't want to sit in the in the hotel room replay all the conversations I had for the day and to stew on what was going to happen the next day during meetings or during interactions or during a major thing that was changing. So I use it as an avoidance technique. As we're talking about today, it wasn't it wasn't an enlightened moment of me going and sitting at a restaurant. It was purely avoidance of what might happen in my own mind if I gave it space to actually breathe and think.
Brent: That's really interesting because that's what I would try to do too. If I was forced in that situation or maybe a hotel and I was in a real remote location, they didn't have room service or they didn't have DoorDash or anything nearby. I would just be sitting there and just the phone would be so active. Or I'd bring my laptop even, you know, an iPad and just continue the work. So that's something that I'm learning over time is a part of just this whole idea of a solo retreat.
Can you take us through, I know you and I over the past three or four years, we've gone on some solo overnights. Can you take us through your experience of doing your first solo overnight trip? It can be one night or multiple nights.
Rob: It was very uncomfortable, for a couple of reasons. One is I felt a little bit guilty of being off on my own to go do a mountain bike trip. And this is, I think, probably about two and a half, three years ago when I did this. So I went out went just west of us where we live and went on a mountain bike trip and didn't have any technology with me. I'd I had not downloaded any movies before, and it was really uncomfortable sitting in the silence and being by myself in the woods for a overly extended period of time.
I was uncomfortable. I was trying to figure out how can I get online? I didn't have any cell service, and I came back earlier than I'd anticipated. So I did stay out overnight. I was planning on spending the next full day out mountain biking by myself and ended up deciding to get up and drive out of the area, go get breakfast restaurant where I'd have distraction around me.
And I came home before noon because and I say it, I got home and I told my wife I was bored. I came back because I was bored. I wanted to have other people around me next time I do that. I don't want to do a trip like that again.
Brent: When you decided to do that originally, what was your goal doing it? You're saying it was your first solo. Like, had you had heard about it, read about it, something that you just had this curiosity? Like, what was driving you to try this?
Rob: That's a really good question. I have no idea. I think it was like, hey. I have a weekend. I can I have a couple days?
I can go do something, August. I'm going to go do it. So just kind of on a whim, went and did it.
Brent: Similar to the first time I did this, it was only three or four years ago. There was an area that I'd always wanted to go to and camp at, and it was two, two and a half hours away from where I live. And I've heard about it. I know a lot of people that have been there, and I'm like, I'm going to go explore it. And it was a moment in time where kids were pretty tied up in some of their activities.
My wife had something else going on. I'm like, I'm just going to go for one night. And I went and I was so blown away how beautiful it was. I was really excited to be in the outside, but it took me a quick minute to feel really uncomfortable because all I wanted to do is talk to somebody how beautiful it was and try to share that experience with others and taking a bunch of pictures, trying to document it so I could tell everybody the play by play of my experience. I was so more focused on the story I was going to tell people, And I just couldn't wait to tell people about, oh my gosh, this place I went to, we should go back.
We definitely have so much fun. We could bring paddle boards and we could go hiking, we probably could go fishing over there. And it was almost like I was planning for the next time I was there versus just sitting in the space of where I was at. I was really uncomfortable, Rob. I'd always heard about solo retreats, and I think one person that documents it quite a bit is Bill Gates, and he usually goes to this little cabin in the woods, and he brings a bunch of books.
I don't know how many days he goes, but he and he just talks about being disconnected. I'm like, I need to try that. And I tried it, and I was so uncomfortable. And it was something that created curiosity, but also I needed to reframe my next time I do it because I went into it trying to almost show off. It was a really strange feeling.
Like, look where I went. Look at all the things I did. I did it by myself, and I was more interested in my story versus actually taking advantage of that twenty four hours just by myself.
Rob: Being an introvert, I find it interesting, Brainy. You self proclaim you're an introvert, which normally that would be something that an introvert would relish that experience. And the first phrase you said was is that you were wanting to tell somebody about what you were experiencing right then and there. I find that fascinating.
Brent: Logically, it didn't make sense of why I was doing it that way. I think I was just so uncomfortable. Being introverted for me is being in my house. It's being in a common space where I can go into a room and read a book and do things where I could do that. But the vastness where I was at, I saw three other people in twenty four hours and they were so far away from me.
They're like on the other side of this lake that I just felt so isolated. It was just a unique feeling for me. I've had isolation when I'm on one of my fishing trips as an example, where I'm by myself for a couple hours. That's not a problem, but I always know I'm coming back to somebody and others. And I am a quiet person, you know, when it comes to the introverted, like I like quiet spaces.
I felt almost, like, so alone, and it just is a weird feeling. It was the first time I've ever done that. Like, it was so strange.
Rob: I'm surprised he didn't run around the lake and go, oh my gosh. Look how pretty it is here and talk to everybody that was there, like, some stranger in the woods coming out of the woods like, oh my gosh. Look at the view. Look at this view. It's incredible.
They'd quickly leave because they were looking for the solitude that you were trying to get away from.
Brent: They'd be like, they're Sasquatch. What is that guy doing? He's lost his marbles. So that was a unique experience for me because it was the first time I did it. But then I've done some since then, and I know you have as well.
So let's jump into the broader part. You learned from the first time you did it. You were uncomfortable. You left early. But I know last fall, as an example, you went on a multi day solo retreat.
Can you set the stage for us? What was your mindset going into it? Why'd you decide to do it? What did you do? I think that's one of the coolest things, if you can share a little color there.
And then I want to hear how you felt when you returned.
Rob: So this last fall, my sister-in-law was coming into town and she was going to be staying at our house for a few days. And that created a space for me to be able to leave the house. And I I love my sister-in-law. This isn't about me trying to get away from her at all. This was about giving my wife and my sister-in-law time to spend just together as sisters, which we've talked about before, and it created a gap in the calendar where I wouldn't feel guilty about leaving and going and doing something by myself and for myself.
So I packed up my motorcycle, and I went out on a three day drive on the motorcycle through different mountain passes in Colorado, some of the areas I'd never actually ever been before. So in advance, I watched some videos online to make sure I'd be able to drive through those areas. I pulled up some information on maps, but I didn't have a significant plan in place except for here's a route I might take to get to this big loop from our house. I packed some food into the saddlebags of my motorcycle, and I took off just as a as an adventure to go and explore the area by myself and just spend some time alone out in the woods. And having, you know, kind of worked my way up to this by doing other both motorcycle trips, but there's some other some other solo trips.
I was very much looking forward to having that solo time by myself just to go and sit and enjoy nature. And I got really lucky in timing. It was the weekend of the aspen leaf change here in the mountains of Colorado. So it was probably the highest it wasn't golden hour. It was reds and purples and oranges and golds and greens throughout my entire drive.
I was going through canopies of aspen trees on this big loop. Ended up the last night I stayed just outside of Rocky Mountain National Park. Drove through Rocky Mountain National Park and saw the big herds of elk and saw the leaves changing. And as I'm just describing it now, the hair on my neck is standing up because it was just such a beautiful trip. We had those odd moments almost around every corner.
It was like, oh my gosh. This is the best view ever. I kept stopping and taking pictures, I so don't think anybody would ever believe how beautiful the trip was while I was out. And that trip gave me a really significant reset. I came back really peaceful.
I came back more purposeful, more excited about stuff that was coming than I had been before, but it gave me that real just quiet reset of relaxing and enjoying nature. Along the way, I stopped at a couple of restaurants and just ate at a bar by myself just cause I didn't couldn't break it up just to be completely alone the entire time, but really enjoyed those moments of solitude.
Brent: That's wonderful.
Rob: A funny story, Brent. I sent you pictures of this. I wish I had this on video. A funny story happened, and this is where I looked forward to in this solo trip, but I absolutely wish I had other people around me. I actually called my brother-in-law.
I called three other people trying to figure out what I should do, but I had a mom, a baby, and a bull moose walk into my camp while I was by myself. I'm completely alone, and they were close. They were within a rock throwing distance away. I know that because I was throwing rocks in the direction trying to get them out of my camp, and I had no idea what to do. I didn't know if I should pack up and leave.
They ended up sleeping in the area, which was I didn't sleep much at all that night. Another bull moose came in, and they were fighting for, I think, the cow that evening, and that sounded like trees were breaking all around my tent. I didn't sleep at all, so I absolutely wish I had other people on that portion of the trip.
Brent: That's super scary. I remember the pictures. And when you came back and you shared a couple other pictures, which was like just the beautiful landscapes and everything you experienced, but you're like, but I had this one night that was a little bit off, I didn't sleep well. And you just shared that. But that's part of just being in nature.
I think those things can happen. I mean, we've all experienced things when we're outside and out about on vacations or whatnot. And you're like, that's kind of strange. But what did what was as you were going through it, did you go into it with any intentions of, I need to navigate this idea, this topic, or were you just going into it with blank space to say, I'm just going to go enjoy a couple of days?
Rob: Blank space to go enjoy a couple of days. That was the purposeful approach, Brent. I didn't go into it with anything else. I know you asked me if I journaled during this time. I did not journal.
There was no purpose but for the blank space and to go explore and to go explore solo.
Brent: That's where clarity comes. I mean, that's the reality of doing exactly the way you did it is you're able to take in the sights. You're able to feel the colors, not just see the colors. You're able to breathe the air. You're able to just stop when you wanted to stop.
You didn't have this agenda. Doing solo retreats often gives you that unencumbered opportunity, meaning you don't have responsibilities. Like, I need to keep up this conversation with the other person I'm with. I need to meet the time schedule of these two or three things. If you go into it to say, here's kind of what I'm going to do, but I don't necessarily have it all figured out, but I'm just going to go enjoy this.
That's where brilliance comes from. It's just it's such an unbelievable experience when you do that because ideas come and go. Monkey mind comes and go. But what you can do is you just create this ultimate reset. So when you got home, how did you feel?
Rob: It sounds funny, but I was completely relaxed. Almost like a different person coming back home. It was, you know, wasn't tired. That's the what a lot of people would think is like, oh, you just did, you know, 600 miles on a motorcycle and slept in a tent on the ground. You must have been exhausted by the time you got home.
And I wasn't exhausted. I was recharged, but I was relaxed at the same time. I was renewed, and definitely needed that time solo to get that renewal. And it and it's taken me a while to get to the place where I I'm comfortable with the uncomfortableness of the story that my mind is going to start to fill. And that's one of the things, Brent, I think that it took a while of doing small retreats like this and small outings like this and building up to something large where I'm actually okay with the conversations I'm going to have with myself, and I'm going to explore those conversations a little bit more.
I was scared of them for a long time. I didn't want to have those conversations with myself. I didn't want to hear my internal dialogue. I wanted to avoid it as much as possible, and I did. And so the solo retreats have allowed that internal dialogue to come up, but I've gotten better at not managing the dialogue, but not getting as emotional and mean to myself in that dialogue.
Brent: Can you give us an example, just a simple example of maybe a conversation that you wanted to avoid with yourself? Just anything in your life that may have been going on or something of the past you're like, I just don't want to go there. Just to give people context of when you say that.
Rob: The conversation is consistently is you're not good enough. That's you're not good enough. Not good enough for this. You don't you don't deserve this. You don't deserve that.
That's you know? Or the worry that something's going to go away. The impostor syndrome sets in. I did everything I could to avoid that conversation. And by sitting in this space, I've got to the place now.
And you can't do this with anybody else around you. You have to do it by yourself or with a therapist, I think. That's the other place you can get help with this. But being comfortable sitting in that space and letting the conversation to develop and going through that emotional cycle to get to the place where, you know what? I am good enough.
I am happy. I am I am content. These things are as great as they're going to be right in this moment where I'm at right here right now.
Brent: Thank you for sharing that because I have similarities to you where when I think of like my professional career, all the things I could have done, not all the things that I did, and I would focus on, well, you haven't achieved that. It's all the things that are still out there. Then sometimes I stop and I pause and it happens a lot on these retreats and it's not my intention, but I'm like you, I'm trying to learn how to be comfortable with those conversations with myself is, but look at all things you have done and don't create a measuring stick. Stop trying to compare yourself to others. Stop trying to over compete with yourself.
And that's something that I've learned in these retreats, big and small. Be so excited about what you've done and what things you want to do and things that you're tackling today and try to live more in the present versus focused on the things that you could have done in the past or things that you maybe are foregoing now in the future because you've just pivoted or decided to do something different. I thank you for sharing that because it gives me that normalcy that I'm not alone. Because that's one of the things that I would say now that you share this. And if I go back to even my first solo retreat, I was really scared about being by myself in my own thoughts.
That's what it comes down to. That's it. And I was just stuck because I was just like, what what's going to happen? What am I going to think about? What am I am I going to solve world hunger in my own brain?
I should really make this a productive twenty four hours, Brent. Like, you should get the most out of it. You should journal for this much time. You should write this many pages. You should figure out your life plan, all these things.
Wow, that's a recipe for failure. And that's what I learned. And that in hindsight, that was probably why I was so uncomfortable because I didn't want to deal with what I was just like the everyday life. I was just trying to be so productive. Going into this solo retreat for you and when you did your last one and when you said you came back so relaxed, how did you navigate the internal dialogue?
Like, how have you grown into reconciling with that?
Rob: The conversation always starts. That's one of the things I've come accustomed to. That that conversation is going to happen. The impostor syndrome, it's going to happen. What being out and I think it is important, Brandon.
It's being out in nature, experiencing wonder, I think, and having that difference around me. I'm not just sitting in a dark room by myself having these thoughts. I have something else to distract me a little bit. It allows that conversation still to happen, but it progresses. And you shared it.
It's like, oh, man. You're not good enough. You're a loser. You failed at this. Here's the things you failed at.
And then you come around a corner or you see that beautiful tree and you go, it's not that's not true. That's not the case. That's not reality. Look how beautiful this is in that cycle. I've gotten used to that.
There's going to be that cycle. It's going to start. But if I let the cycle go further, it's going to continue to say, you are good enough, you are worthy of these things and it's okay.
Brent: Thanks for sharing that. That's a cool way to look at it because what I've learned, Rob, when I have that uncomfortable feeling of the internal dialogue and probably for years why I avoided doing things solo is because it's just too much time by myself in my own head. But what I've also come comfortable with is thoughts come and go. And there's reality, there's perception, and a lot of the stuff, the games that we play in our head. And I think in midlife, this is where it gets really complex because there is so much self reflection going on.
You may have wanted to do more in your career. You may have wanted to be more active with your children. You may have wanted to be more present for your parents, whatever it might be. There's a lot of noise. And what we're trying to encourage people from a solo retreat is it is a space to just step into the quiet and learn.
And I find that there's so many places you can do this. We talk about going into the outdoors a lot. There's also friends of mine that go to a resort or a mini resort or a hotel for a night, a two night. I have a friend that said four days over the holidays because they were going to be by themselves. They said, you know what?
I'm just going to go to resort and I'm going to just soak it all up. And it was a mini retreat. It was a way to say, I'm not going to sit in my house by myself and just twiddle my thumbs and feel sorry for myself over the holidays. I'm going to go create some space. And I saw the pictures, they look fantastic.
So congrats.
Rob: And if you're in a city, it could be just going to a new park and sitting on a bench someplace where you're going to have some different view around you. I think I think a change of location for these things is important, but it doesn't have to be something major. It could be a different part of the city that you haven't experienced before or different a different part of your town that you've never been never new trail that you've never actually been on before too, a new pathway. Though all those places can let you experience that wonder that might help you move through some of those emotions.
Brent: And what I found is also trying to challenge yourself to be unplugged. I learned this years ago from watching Oprah and talked about this when she would go on walks. She said, a lot of times I go unplugged. I don't listen to podcasts. I don't listen to audio books or I don't try to multitask.
I just go to observe and it just creates that openness space. So if you have a routine, even in your car, let's say your routine is you drive thirty minutes to work. A friend challenged me once to do this. I was driving back from Denver. So it's a couple hour drive Denver back to my house because he goes, why don't you for the next couple hours, don't listen to anything on the on the radio.
Don't listen to whatever you might put on music or a podcast or something. Don't talk to anybody. Just go in silence. That was uncomfortable for me the first time I did it because I was so fidgety. I do that more often now.
That's a mini retreat right there. Yeah. You got to pay attention to the road and you got to pay attention and be safe, but that's a way to just pause because you've limiting the number of inputs. You're actually just allowing yourself to think creatively. And maybe you just had a long day and you're like, this is a great way to decompress.
I find when I do that, I can arrive into the house a little bit more relaxed versus I just had this long drive at this long day at all these things. I can come in and feel like I've already stepped down the anxiety or the, you know, the over exhaustion just to be in a more calm state. So I find there's so many spaces that you can create a solo retreat. The challenge is putting yourself to go try it and see what you can get out of it. The last solo retreat that I did was three nights, two days.
I drove to a national park, Zion National Park. I had three rules going into it and it was the rules came from learnings of the past. The first rule was no digital. And that was important for me. The only digital I allowed myself as I had maps of the park.
And so I needed to have that aspect of it. The weather was really important when you're in that park and some of the places I went. So obviously the weather, I want to have that and then connecting in with my family in the evenings. That was my first rule. My second rule was I want to be as active as possible.
Rob: Physically active as possible.
Brent: Physically active as possible, which required me to be outside. So the outcome of that was one day I hiked 17 miles, the next day I hiked 15 miles and I was just really active. And I was prepared because we had the first day it just rained the whole time and then I got up to some high elevations and it was snowing. I was prepared, so I was in good shape there. So that was my second rule.
And my third rule was I wanted to journal what I was experiencing. What I found is it was less about writing. I just started drawing a lot. I don't know why I did that as a kid a lot, just doodling. So I was just doing that and it was actually this common effect.
And also because I was so active, I was going to bed at like 08:00 at night just because I was exhausted. But I really tried to minimize this outward connectivity of just trying to always be on. So the non digital was the biggest winner behind it all. And then putting myself in a position to say, take advantage of the outdoors. And I didn't come into it, Rob, with like a lot of goals similar to you.
I did not say I want to solve this or that. I just wanted to come in and say, I'm just going to create space. What I got out of it was a ton of clarity. And this was about two weeks after we launched the actual podcast. And it gave me a lot of clarity of the work that we're doing, and it was super exciting to me.
And I just had more ideas about some of the things that we could do, but it was clarity that this is what I want to be doing right now, and I want to go all in. And that was cool. It's not that I didn't have that going in. It was just a further refinement. And what it challenged me to do was to say, if this is something that I enjoy so much, maybe there's some other things that I should pull back.
And so I pulled back some of the leadership writing that I was doing. I pulled back some of the other activities that I was focused on so I could get more intention to this because I'm enjoying it. And that was something that just came to me, but I did not walk into that with that intention. It just came to me. And when you're hiking by yourself for that many hours, a lot of things come and go.
Rob: Yeah. Lot of thoughts come and go, which is why I have to start taking voice memos for the ones I want to capture and go back and revisit. As we've talked through these, Brent, it sounds like this is something that's going to continue. You're going to continue to do these solo retreats. I know I'm going to continue to do these solo types of trips.
I know I wish I had done them twenty years ago, started doing these things much earlier in my life, and I think you do as well. Why didn't you? Why has it taken you so long to start doing them?
Brent: I always felt that they're really selfish. I always felt like I was taken away from my family. As we talked, I traveled so much. So, hey, I'm gone for four days. I'm going to come back.
I'm going to go for next forty eight hours by myself. It feels very selfish, especially when I had really young kids because that's, you know, it's so busy. I always felt selfish first off. And second, I was always, as we've described in this, was always felt like it'd be so uncomfortable for me. So I think as my kids grew up and, you know, they started to have a lot of their activities and things that they go off and do, it created a little bit of space.
Now what I find is I'm a better person coming out of it. So I believe that I show up better for those around me after I do a solo retreat. I'm not feeling that I need to do more than a couple a year, but what I do try to do on a regular basis, Rob, is the mini stuff. The ten minute just go resets. I do like to go for an hour hike or a two hour run.
I do those on a weekly basis. I don't feel selfish at all for that because it's just part of me showing up for me. And I think that's one thing that we all have to get really comfortable is we're doing this to help ourselves out. This is self love, self care. Like you're doing this to help you navigate life.
And midlife to me is so complex sometimes that I just need those mini breaks. And I'm getting a lot of benefit. I mean, for you, because you did that motorcycle trip, are you planning to do similar things? Are you mixing it up? Like, what do you how do you see the future as it relates to retreats?
Rob: I know I will continue to do solo retreats. I mean, the one hour stuff, the half hour stuff, that's pretty easy as part of my training, part of just where we live. But this purposeful solo multiple night, one night, two night types of things definitely will be thrown into the mix on a much more regular basis. I don't have them scheduled for 2026 just yet. I know there's a couple of big trips where I may get a day or two by myself on the way to go meet somebody.
So some big motorcycle trips where I'm going to see people, and I'm going to join them for a ride. But I'll have two days by myself on either side of that while I get some of that solo time as well. So they are kind of mixed in a little bit right now with some of the motorcycle trips, but definitely something that I'm going to I've gotten past the guilt of being away and taking the time for myself. As you said, it felt selfish. I felt guilty doing that.
I'm much better for myself and much better for everybody around me if I actually get that time for myself.
Brent: As we close out today's conversation, Rob, we've covered a lot of ground. What advice would you give to any of our listeners that they tuned into this conversation? They learned a little bit. They've never done it. How would you share with them?
I don't want to go the big one. Take us to a small place. Like, what's one small solo retreat somebody could do this week? How would you give them guidance or an idea? Because you do that on a regular basis.
What could you share to help them to give this a shot?
Rob: I have two thoughts, Brent. One is you said it starts small. So is it if you haven't ever done anything like this, take that ten minutes, your ten minute rule that you started off the conversation with. Go spend the ten minutes by yourself. If you've already been doing something of that nature, go give yourself two hours and try to go someplace slightly different than what you've experienced before.
If you can get out in nature, I would highly recommend that because it's going to create that sense of wonder, that sense of awe that you can actually it'll inspire you, and it might reframe some of the conversations that you're having in your head. But be comfortable with maybe the early uncomfortableness and know that it the more you spend time there, the easier it's going to get and the more and more you're going to look forward to the comfortableness and the outcome that's going to come from it. That's thought number one. Thought number two is I'm hoping this conversation is resonating with you, and it's likely going to resonate with some other people that you care about. And my other request would be is if this res is resonating with you, share it with somebody else you think could benefit from hearing this message as well.
Just share this episode. We want to get word out that people can and should take solo trips just because of the benefits that both you and I have gotten, Herman Brent.
Brent: Thank you for that reminder. As we wrap our conversation today is we started out with the whole idea of introducing solo retreats. Rob, you just talked about it. If you haven't done them before, it may be uncomfortable. So my challenge to you is work through that because the benefits as you get comfortable are going to far exceed the uncomfortable in the early stages.
So start small, do little things, ten minutes outside by yourself, unencumbered, no podcasts, no listening to things, music, being with somebody else, just go solo. Maybe build up to a thirty minute walk or a thirty minute hike. And then start to explore where could you take this? And if you feel as if you want to do it like an overnight, don't overthink the overnight. Don't try to make this a logistics nightmare.
Think of simple things you can do because the more logistics you throw into it, the less benefits you're going to get out of it in the early days. And then continuously challenge yourself. I do highly recommend to add on to what Rob was talking about. Go digital free. Do your best because today we're so connected and part of the gift that a solo retreat will give you is being disconnected from the outside world for that brief moment in time.
It'll still be there when you return. So my challenge is go digital free, give it a shot, and we think you'll learn a lot. And the last thing I want to put out the challenge for is head over to Substack. If you've done a solo retreat, share with us because we're always looking for new ideas and we always want to hear what other people are experiencing. So feel free to share your solo retreat experiences.
That would be awesome as we keep expanding our community. So thanks for spending time with us today. And remember, you are the director of your next great act.
Lena: That's it for this episode of Midlife Circus. Visit midlifecircus.fm for show notes, transcripts, and all the latest happenings. And be sure to join us in the Midlife Circus community on Substack. Follow Midlife Circus on Apple Podcasts, YouTube, and wherever you get your podcasts so you never miss your next great act. Quick reminder, the opinions and stories shared here are personal reflections, not professional advice.
This show is for entertainment and inspiration only. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you under the big top next time. Midlife Circus is a Burning Matches Media production.